So I guess it's time. First I am a good person I'm a person who puts everyone and everything ahead of herself. I s that smart? No. Is it an easy way to keep your sanity? No. I am great mom I love my kid and put and his well being ahead of everything else. Do I regret decisions I make for him? Sometimes. Do I think I know what I'm doing all the time? Never. Any parents out there that think they do are fibbing.
Did I do everything I could think of to hold my marriage together? Nope I gave up. Plan and simple I gave up after finding out That he lied cheated refused to admit to any wrong doing or lies, yes I gave up. He had driven me nuts. I didn't want to make all the decisions, I didn't want to be the one to handle all the money and responsibilities. I also did not want to tell him what to do all the time. I hated that and I can say that now. I used to be worried about every decision I would make plainly because if it was wrong it was my fault that something happened to him. I know in the back of my head that it was never really my fault but when the man who is supposed to love you is screaming at you because of whatever decision you made you start to believe you did something wrong.
Big thing, the biggest of them all. I hate fighting I hate being angry. I hate having to yell and wave my arms around and contort my face everytime I wanted to get a point across. It is exhausting and I hate it. I have fought my entire life and was so hurt when I was told that apparently I like to fight. Ummm I REALLY don't. I like to talk and interact with people and yes if you attack me I will fight back, but I hate to fight.
Little known fact that anyone who knows me really well already knows, I never wanted to get married or have kids. I always thought that it would end up with me being cheated on left abused in some way and as a single parent having to defend herself from whatever woman the man who left me went to next. The same as my father did to my mother. Thank I dodged that bullet. Do we see the irony?!?!!!!!
Next, I tried to run. Literally at my shotgun wedding (which if anyone chose to notice I had no real part in), in stilleto heels at 5 months pregnant I tried to run my stepfather had to pull me. That picture of me walking down the aisle with the terrified look, (like most of the photots) that look is genuine. I almost took off the night before assited by my maid of honour, who I might add only took the position in hopes that I would bolt.
Man we really screwed it up from the very beginning didn't we Cheif? Still only for you.
I have not been kissed or touched since July 4th 2010. That is a long damn time, but I am still first not ready to let anyone near me second if I gave up most of my ideals and changed almost all of my ideas about marriage then I have to see it through till the papers are signed. I know you think I'm crazy but for some reason just can't do it. Same as usual you can think what you want, it's not going to start mattering now.
Little tidbit to you kids out there too. She asks you to come home and you don't. Don't wonder why when you do come home she doesn't want to talk to you. Next when you keep telling her she is a bitch, she won't want to sleep with you. Us women are crazy that way, not a lot of us want some one inside our bodies who makes us cry and seems to enjoy it. Last, Don't tell anyone to ask you for help and then when they ask for said help deny them any and then walk out and leave them terrified and alone with no one to talk to because you have managed to alienate them from anyone else to help them.
Say what you want about other people, always expect it will get back to them, because it will and does.
Don't lie to people, you have to keep the story up as long as you have that person in your life, and the lies only get bigger.
People find out the truth no matter how skillful the liar. These people will be hurt by the lies you have told and how foolish you made them look while defending you. That one I know first hand.
Lastly when you love someone and you are in charge of protecting thier heart, protect it. Don't treat it like it's unbreakable, you never know how much it can take and how easliy you could be the one to shatter it beyond repair.
Love like it will never be over. Kiss with passion. Hug with the intention of never letting go, and know that one day all the good you put in the world will come back and all the bullshit will bite you in the ass.
