Can't Keep a Good Woman Down.

So I guess it's time. First I am a good person I'm a person who puts everyone and everything ahead of herself. I s that smart? No. Is it an easy way to keep your sanity? No. I am great mom I love my kid and put and his well being ahead of everything else. Do I regret decisions I make for him? Sometimes. Do I think I know what I'm doing all the time? Never. Any parents out there that think they do are fibbing.
Did I do everything I could think of to hold my marriage together? Nope I gave up. Plan and simple I gave up after finding out That he lied cheated refused to admit to any wrong doing or lies, yes I gave up. He had driven me nuts. I didn't want to make all the decisions, I didn't want to be the one to handle all the money and responsibilities. I also did not want to tell him what to do all the time. I hated that and I can say that now. I used to be worried about every decision I would make plainly because if it was wrong it was my fault that something happened to him. I know in the back of my head that it was never really my fault but when the man who is supposed to love you is screaming at you because of whatever decision you made you start to believe you did something wrong.
Big thing, the biggest of them all. I hate fighting I hate being angry. I hate having to yell and wave my arms around and contort my face everytime I wanted to get a point across. It is exhausting and I hate it. I have fought my entire life and was so hurt when I was told that apparently I like to fight. Ummm I REALLY don't. I like to talk and interact with people and yes if you attack me I will fight back, but I hate to fight.
Little known fact that anyone who knows me really well already knows, I never wanted to get married or have kids. I always thought that it would end up with me being cheated on left abused in some way and as a single parent having to defend herself from whatever woman the man who left me went to next. The same as my father did to my mother. Thank I dodged that bullet. Do we see the irony?!?!!!!!
Next, I tried to run. Literally at my shotgun wedding (which if anyone chose to notice I had no real part in), in stilleto heels at 5 months pregnant I tried to run my stepfather had to pull me. That picture of me walking down the aisle with the terrified look, (like most of the photots) that look is genuine. I almost took off the night before assited by my maid of honour, who I might add only took the position in hopes that I would bolt.
Man we really screwed it up from the very beginning didn't we Cheif? Still only for you.
I have not been kissed or touched since July 4th 2010. That is a long damn time, but I am still first not ready to let anyone near me second if I gave up most of my ideals and changed almost all of my ideas about marriage then I have to see it through till the papers are signed. I know you think I'm crazy but for some reason just can't do it. Same as usual you can think what you want, it's not going to start mattering now.
Little tidbit to you kids out there too. She asks you to come home and you don't. Don't wonder why when you do come home she doesn't want to talk to you. Next when you keep telling her she is a bitch, she won't want to sleep with you. Us women are crazy that way, not a lot of us want some one inside our bodies who makes us cry and seems to enjoy it. Last, Don't tell anyone to ask you for help and then when they ask for said help deny them any and then walk out and leave them terrified and alone with no one to talk to because you have managed to alienate them from anyone else to help them.
Say what you want about other people, always expect it will get back to them, because it will and does.
Don't lie to people, you have to keep the story up as long as you have that person in your life, and the lies only get bigger.
People find out the truth no matter how skillful the liar. These people will be hurt by the lies you have told and how foolish you made them look while defending you. That one I know first hand.
Lastly when you love someone and you are in charge of protecting thier heart, protect it. Don't treat it like it's unbreakable, you never know how much it can take and how easliy you could be the one to shatter it beyond repair.

Love like it will never be over. Kiss with passion. Hug with the intention of never letting go, and know that one day all the good you put in the world will come back and all the bullshit will bite you in the ass.

Sad to see it go.

So I have been informed that yet another thing is being taken away from me.
My blog. I am no longer allowed to post anything that I think and feel. I was under the impression that this was a free contry where you are allowed to put out there what ever you feel that you would like to share. I have just spent some time going over the whole thing and it made me so sad. You can actually watch me get sadder and angrier as the posts push on. I also realized that i never wanted my marriage to end I just got fed up with having to carry the load, getting shut out and getting yelled at for wanting attention. I think I was also upset about the fact that for something I thought I never wanted I decided to fight for and after failing at the fight got so hurt and angry that it was over and that I had believed so many lies for so long. I drove by Albert today and for some reason wanted to stop the car and ask "Why was it not good enough for you?", I am still left with this open end that I have to deal with while he goes out makes way more money than he used to and get to generally have a life while he blames me for the demise of the last relationship.
enough about him, he hijacked my mind my life and my sanity for too long he can't have anymore of it.
I'm still pissed though, I thought I had nothing left for anyone to try and take from me. I once again was wrong, I didn't think it through.
I will say in closing if you are reading this read back over the other posts, I got a bit better as I went along no matter what I was trying to say.

Signing off kids be good to each other or you'll end up like me.

P.S No it doesn't suit you someone should have told you to think a little harder on that one. Guess you joined the other club. Makes me sad that you comprimised one of the great things about you. With all due respect not good.

Just to clear the air

So let me say that I recived a message about my blog from Alberts new girlfriend who has expressed how much Albert is hurting and how he cries everyday. The only thing I can say to her is the same thing I say to everyone. Get both sides of the story before you start shooting your mouth off. Did she ever take in to consideration that if he actually hadn't done anything wrong would the police have charged him? Why would CAS still need to be involved? How long did I spend trying to get the restraining order lifted so that supervised visits could be possible? Why is it always me having to make a new ways for Albert to see Alex, after Albert manages to screw up yet again all because Albert has to have everything his way? The other question would be if he is such a wonderful father why hasn't he bothered to pay child support? If he is such a wonderful person why was it all the people he said hated me are confused as to why it is he would say that when they don't feel they ever gave him that impression? How about when I told him I would do anything I could to help him he decided to scream the most horrible and hurtful things at me? Why was I threatened with Albert trying to have Alex put in foster care so that his mother could move here to be the one to take care of him? Also how did he get EVERYTHING in his apartment, I have to say that was me. Who made sure Albert got that job he has now. That would be me also. Who was it that covered everything while he decided to keep a job that paid nothing, ME. Anyone is free to take whatever shots you want, you can sit there and happily sing his praises. I did for a long time and stood up for him at all points I took time to go to his sister to try and find a way to make that marriage work. I had to listen to how I was stupid how I had a crap job. How anything I wanted or needed got to take a backseat to him and his needs. Maybe someone should tell you the story of how a certain person decide that my care after or son was born and after I had gone through a cesarean to have him was not important, ask him about how I got left on the stairs at 3am and told to "Suck it the fuck up and get back to bed" Let's find out why it was that he wanted to get married and he wanted to have a baby but when it got hard he ran. Like a scared child he ran. Trust me there are alot of people out there that are chomping at the bit for Albert to ask their opinion. They won't offer it but have all said if the opportunity presents itself they will. They will also smile and nod and be friendly until that time. I on the other hand will express my opinion because it was my marriage and Alex is my son and I am a wonderful parent who actually understood the sacrifices that would be required of me. Albert always complained that I wanted him to change. I never did if anything I didn't like the self absorbed person he became. Plus if anything he wanted me to change back to being the vodka swilling drug using out every night girl I used to be. He is very happy with that life and when I lived it with him I was happy to. He is excellent at the first part and Albert is great fun to be around at that stage but when it comes to the substance it isn't there. Like Albert said if it had just stayed him and I it would have been fine. I guess life just got too real for him.
So I guess I would have to say to the new girlfriend if you wish to have an opinion maybe you should really get your facts straight mybe you should pay attention to the fact that he can manage to start a new relationship before he has even started to get divorced. Just wait he will show his true colors, same as with the last 2 girlfriends before me and the same as he did with me. I will happily post your comment so that all the people can see also that I have no issue with taking in what you have to say.
TaTa darlings

The endless cycle

So since I use this blog as my own version of therapy I guess it is time for my latest session.
I would like to discuss something that has been weighting on my brain for a bit. It is a cycle that I have noticed in some people.
My Ex has decided to finally bring the girlfriend out of the shadows and on to Facebook, if he wouldn't mind taking down our wedding photos first or of me pregnant or videos of us. Little closure to the last family before you start the next one.
So here's the thing I have in the true sense of me have been digging for some information. Here is what I have learned. He has a cycle, any relationship he starts must start before the last one ends. There is always cheating involved, no matter how much he denys it. He then will keep the new girl low key and stay only in the circle of mutual friends, meaning anyone close enough to know both sides of what happened in the last relationship is out. he blends into her life with promises of love and companionship that could span 2 lifetimes, he's lying just so you know. He will then proceed to test this girl by either pulling out all of his best sob stories and how he has been so wronged and misunderstood. This too is a lie he needs sympathy and female attention at any turn. Make no mistake about it his loyalites are to himself and himself alone. After this girl has learned to deal with the constant barrage of phone calls text messages and any girl in a 5 mile radious is encouraged to practicly climb him in any attempt to see how far she will let him go. Also during this time if she opts for her own space it will be met with "Sure honey no problem" it will probably come out that he was with another girl on that night, my favorite part of that is when he would bring them to MY home to entertain them.
Soon the I love yous start and the deep meaningful stares, beware these are bullshit too. He will seem popular until it ends and you find out that most if not all your friends thought that he was a moron who complained too much and thought that he knew everything. You then look back and realize that there was always a lot of smiling and nodding when he would talk. This is also the point where you realize you were in love with him and he never had any intention of loving you back. This statement will constantly ring in my ears "If I had know that this (6months of cheating on his last girlfriend) would turn into me falling in love with you, I would have ended it before so that you didn't have to question how much I only want to be with you".
Here is my problem, I never trusted him, not a single day and I was harassed for that constantly. How can you be married to someone and not trust them? The answer, you don't. You must trust someone to love them. You must be honest to get trust.
Well as far as I can tell he is back to his mousey plain Jane teacher type. They usually are remarkablly similar in looks to his sister or his mother. Freud much?
Just remember when a girl/woman will enter into a relationship with a man who is first, still married. Second not doing anything to take care of his son, like not paying his child support. Last but definatly not least has a restraining order against him, and has to be supervised to see his kid. Which I might add he cuts every visit short to 90 minutes only. Do you honestly think he is telling the truth?
Do you think his family is stable when each sibling has alcohol or drug problems. A sister that has to reak violence on anyone who quetions her.
Plus like he has said, "Pretty girls are too high maintenance, I'm going back to the others."
All I can say is I'm sure there will be back lash from this because we all know your never allowed to say anything truthful, might tarnish the stellar reputation he "thinks" he has.

Stop me if you have heard this.

Ok so to those of you who don't know me well, I come from a "broken home" What a stupid term. My parents amrried when they were 20 had me when they were 21, ( this maybe why I refused to entertain the idea of marriage or kids till 30)
For about 12 years I didn't see much of my father, I also spent every weekend at my grandparents and on month from summer vacation with my paternal grandparents and the other month with my maternal grandparents. So pretty much I have had about 5 people as my parents growing up.
On to this post though. I am in the middle of a custody battle for my son. I have tried to find a nice way to say this, but I can't. I will try tactful though.
My 34 year old husband(soon to be ex) has now decided after almost 3 months of barely seeing our son that he is filing for joint custody. Now for those of you with kids would you take any opportunity to see your kid(s)? I know I would.
So my husband is a little underhanded to say the least. He has already informed me that he has a friend ( he always has a friend) who works as a behavioral therapist of some sort. Now understand before anyone gets to weigh in on any issue you must have both sides, to understand the child and the life they have you must know a little bit about each parent and the role that they play in the childs life.
So when he tells me that she believes that it is best for our son at the age of 2 to have 2 homes and go back and forth between the 2. I have spoken to a worker at Childrens Aid and people at the family law clinic, the director of the daycare that he goes to, I would think these people would know what the most reasonable solution to this issue would be and they say... That overnight visits for children under the age of 5-6 (depending on maturity) are not recommended. It can be very stressful and confusing to a young child to live in 2 different homes. Ok now lets tie this information with my first statement. I grew up in no less than 3 homes, it really does take a village trust me. I have memories of so many different kinds of parenting styles and views, it's confusing. I broke free from my family for a long time in my 20's and had to learn who I was and what kind of person I wanted to be, I'm still fine tuning it. This was when I started talking more to my father my thought he cared about my feelings before then why would he start now, this is not a slam I believe that everone in thier life should have someone who they listen to and give the NO GODDAMN BULLSHIT ANSWER!!!!
This is also how I adapted my don't lie to people policy and don't lie to me in return. My philosophy I would rather have 5 minutes of hurt and start to deal with something rather than 5 months of wondering if it was true. I hate fake people they make me very angry.
So back to my dad, I have very frank conversations with him. He is the one who helped guide me a bit through this. He was the one who told me that when a guy who wanted a family,then turns around and has no respect for you and complains about everything you do (even if you are trying to help him) he says away and gets mad when you ask him to come home, Blames you for everything and still wants to have sex but no real emotional attachment that man is gone he is either self involved or otherwise involved, ( and considering him and I started when he was with his last girlfriend, I know I'm a moron) we can tell which way I was leaning.
Here is the big kicker my father did the same thing to my mom, greatest childhood fear realized you damn well better believe it. So when your father who you have resented through most of your life for what he did tells you that your husband is acting the same as he did, you make them leave and quickly, do not pass go do not collect $200 just get the hell outta Dodge!
So now my absentee husband decided 2 times last week to blow our son off plainly because the situation was now to his liking. He is supposed to be supervised he doesn't want to be. He had someone to pick him up if he needed and then just let him spend time with his son, but no. He says that I am using our son as a weapon. When you are giving him lots of opportunity and lots of options and he still has to bugger off because he isn't getting his way then that I take personally don't blow off your kid they don't deal with parental rejection well and it will come back to haunt you.
So like I said to all the parents out there how much of yourself and your pride are you willing to give up for the unspeakable joy of being with youyr kids?
Me, I would do anything. You want me to learn how to stand in my hands and play tamboreen with my feet while playing Bach on a Kazoo to a sold out crowd in Wimbley stadium? Done and Done!
Don't blow off your kid because you don't get exactly what you want and then blame the other parent and tell them they are using your child as a weapon. I think my favorite part is when he told me he was filing for joint custody and would be taking our son 4 days a week and I could see how I like it.
So that is it, I'm too stressed out to continue and the bestest kid is starting to wake up from his nap, I can hear the singing.

Tata for now...

And we are done

So it seems that my husband soon to be ex husband has gone back to his old ways. He was honestly (up until I guess it was around the beginning of this year) the person who I thought actually got me. I guess I was wrong. It was an odd evolution he just sort of shut down. He started sleeping about 16 hours a day and constantly complaining that he was tired and never got any sleep. He started using drugs after over a year of giving them up. I think my favorite was when I would find empty baggies for cocaine and he told me (because he worked in a bar) that he just picked them up off the floor at work. Does anyone out there know of anyone who would lose thier blow and not flip over a fridge to find it? So you'll have to pardon me if I think that's a load of crap. Next the constantly finding little deposits of pot everywhere. The best is when we would fight and he would hole up in the bedroom and roll joints on the bedside table and leave reminants and ripped up pieces of cardboard that he had used for filter. I mean come on, I used to use with him when we started dating, did he really think that I wouldn't notice? Or understand what was going on?
Let's fast forward to a few weeks ago. My husband has now managed to chose going out to drink instead of being at home with me, probably because I told him I wanted to spend more time with him.He has chosen to have naked pictures of some 20 year old girl on his phone, ( nothing says self respect like spreading naked pictures of yourself around from your web cam, SCORE!) All the while she is running her mouth about how they are sleeping together and have been for a while. Plus everytime he goes anywhere she is right there.
My husband has a small issue with needing to be taken care of, Don't ever ask him to take care of you. He only wants to look like the big man he has no follow through. Him and I have lived together for 4 years and in that time I have paid for almost everything. I even went back to work 6 weeks after or son was born, lying and saying it was because I couldn't handle the pressure of staying at home when in actuallity it was because we were broke. In April when I lost my job/Quit my job I expected since I had taken care of it all for the last few years it was his turn till I found another job. No such luck, apparently asking him to take on more financial responsiblity was wrong of me, he had been living off me for too long(and my parents and my grandparents) and he wasn't giving it up. He did however express at every turn how stupid I was for losing my job. So much love I had no idea what to do with myself. I still amnaged to get mostly ewverythimg paid for April and May with help from my family. I also got to listen to how much my husband had to work and how amny hours a day he put in, the number of days in a row he had to work. Let me pose this question then, Where in hell is all this money your supposed to be making then if I have my parents and grandparents paying for the rent and daycare costs, I am still covering all the grocery costs and we have companies sending us notices for payment in arrears? If you are actually at work and making the money that you brag about making, then where is it?
Ladies and any gentlemen that run into this issue with you spouse, they are lying to you. They will also maange to make it your fault. It amazes me to no end how defensive people get when they know they have done something wrong but refuse to accept it. " I don't have a problem, you have a problem." Yes I do have a problem, I'm tired of being lied to by the person who is supposed to be my partner and the person who I am supposed to depend on.

Here we go in closing, If at anytime you are able to look at your spouse and say, "You have done eveything in your power to cut me out cut down and cut me up, especially when I spend a majority of my time trying to help you, take care of you, and love you." Then it's time to take off the ring and cut and run.
That feeling of your heart breaking will last for a long time and you will look back and wonder how it was that someone who you spent so much of your time caring for and worrying about and spoke I love you I miss you, When will you be home? How did they do it? Why would they do it?
They do it because in thier head no one is more important than them, no one will ever be able to make them happy, because at sometime the person they are with will need something from them and then when it isn't all about them and thier needs and thier ego they will do the same thing again.

I am done.

I don't even know anymore.

So here it is in a nut shell. I want my husband to come home and try to work through the issues that we have and try and comprimise and find a way to live together.
I am starting to believe everyday little by little that my husband is trying to streeech this out. Here's what I mean, He wants to come home, but will not change anything this entails still getting to smoke pot still getting to stay out drinking till 5am if he so chooses. Not attempting in any way to change his job or explore any other options. This would mean him working irratic scheduels and being out till a minimum of 2am for up to 15 days in a row sometimes.
The other thing, he wants to come home but will not find time to text me back call me or come to the house. I have been left in limbo with no information I have no idea where he is or when he will be coming to see his son that is if he does at all.
Next he wants to come home but everytime he comes home he takes a few more things it's like Chinese water torture. 1 shirt (drip) couple pairs of sock (drip) underwear (drip). Seriously imagine it someone telling you that they love you but still displaying how much they are leaving.
He then tells me he owes me no explination and that he will be where he wants when he wants, it makes me feel like a second rate citizen. One of our biggest issues is trust it's not the best to know that he has no intention of trying to sway thoses fears.
You know what it feels like, It's like that really great guy that you start dating and he's so nice and he's so understanding, but he never calls you have to sit there wondering where he is, and when you call him he takes 2 days to call you back. You keep holding out hope for them to see you hear you and they don't. This was why in my 20's when I encountered a guy like that I usually never wanted to see them again and rightly so. Surprisingly all the guys that I know and I know a lot. They all lost a girl that a few years down the road realized that she would listen she would care she would help them, but she wouldn't put up with thier crap, none of it so she left them in the dust.
A word of advice that may serve you well. Life is an evolution you have to end some portions of your life for others to survive. this for me meant I don't go out and drink every night, I gave up the drugs, I don't date a string of men dropping them as soon as I feel that they are either too clingy or don't seem to be able to give me what I need. I learned to sacrific, I learned to find joys in eating dinner at a table with people I love, I learned that sometimes there is safety in knowing someone just wants you there by thier side. I also learned that it's better to have 1 person who is on your side who won't always agree with you but will help you will love you and it's hard and it hurts sometimes but you have to see passed the hurt to the person who is still standing there waiting to hold your hand through the whole thing.
So to my readers I know the pool is shallow please know my love for my husband is there, I need him to love me and I need him to see that sometimes you have to do the hard thing and put away childish things.

So ta for now

J