Can't Keep a Good Woman Down.

So I guess it's time. First I am a good person I'm a person who puts everyone and everything ahead of herself. I s that smart? No. Is it an easy way to keep your sanity? No. I am great mom I love my kid and put and his well being ahead of everything else. Do I regret decisions I make for him? Sometimes. Do I think I know what I'm doing all the time? Never. Any parents out there that think they do are fibbing.
Did I do everything I could think of to hold my marriage together? Nope I gave up. Plan and simple I gave up after finding out That he lied cheated refused to admit to any wrong doing or lies, yes I gave up. He had driven me nuts. I didn't want to make all the decisions, I didn't want to be the one to handle all the money and responsibilities. I also did not want to tell him what to do all the time. I hated that and I can say that now. I used to be worried about every decision I would make plainly because if it was wrong it was my fault that something happened to him. I know in the back of my head that it was never really my fault but when the man who is supposed to love you is screaming at you because of whatever decision you made you start to believe you did something wrong.
Big thing, the biggest of them all. I hate fighting I hate being angry. I hate having to yell and wave my arms around and contort my face everytime I wanted to get a point across. It is exhausting and I hate it. I have fought my entire life and was so hurt when I was told that apparently I like to fight. Ummm I REALLY don't. I like to talk and interact with people and yes if you attack me I will fight back, but I hate to fight.
Little known fact that anyone who knows me really well already knows, I never wanted to get married or have kids. I always thought that it would end up with me being cheated on left abused in some way and as a single parent having to defend herself from whatever woman the man who left me went to next. The same as my father did to my mother. Thank I dodged that bullet. Do we see the irony?!?!!!!!
Next, I tried to run. Literally at my shotgun wedding (which if anyone chose to notice I had no real part in), in stilleto heels at 5 months pregnant I tried to run my stepfather had to pull me. That picture of me walking down the aisle with the terrified look, (like most of the photots) that look is genuine. I almost took off the night before assited by my maid of honour, who I might add only took the position in hopes that I would bolt.
Man we really screwed it up from the very beginning didn't we Cheif? Still only for you.
I have not been kissed or touched since July 4th 2010. That is a long damn time, but I am still first not ready to let anyone near me second if I gave up most of my ideals and changed almost all of my ideas about marriage then I have to see it through till the papers are signed. I know you think I'm crazy but for some reason just can't do it. Same as usual you can think what you want, it's not going to start mattering now.
Little tidbit to you kids out there too. She asks you to come home and you don't. Don't wonder why when you do come home she doesn't want to talk to you. Next when you keep telling her she is a bitch, she won't want to sleep with you. Us women are crazy that way, not a lot of us want some one inside our bodies who makes us cry and seems to enjoy it. Last, Don't tell anyone to ask you for help and then when they ask for said help deny them any and then walk out and leave them terrified and alone with no one to talk to because you have managed to alienate them from anyone else to help them.
Say what you want about other people, always expect it will get back to them, because it will and does.
Don't lie to people, you have to keep the story up as long as you have that person in your life, and the lies only get bigger.
People find out the truth no matter how skillful the liar. These people will be hurt by the lies you have told and how foolish you made them look while defending you. That one I know first hand.
Lastly when you love someone and you are in charge of protecting thier heart, protect it. Don't treat it like it's unbreakable, you never know how much it can take and how easliy you could be the one to shatter it beyond repair.

Love like it will never be over. Kiss with passion. Hug with the intention of never letting go, and know that one day all the good you put in the world will come back and all the bullshit will bite you in the ass.

Sad to see it go.

So I have been informed that yet another thing is being taken away from me.
My blog. I am no longer allowed to post anything that I think and feel. I was under the impression that this was a free contry where you are allowed to put out there what ever you feel that you would like to share. I have just spent some time going over the whole thing and it made me so sad. You can actually watch me get sadder and angrier as the posts push on. I also realized that i never wanted my marriage to end I just got fed up with having to carry the load, getting shut out and getting yelled at for wanting attention. I think I was also upset about the fact that for something I thought I never wanted I decided to fight for and after failing at the fight got so hurt and angry that it was over and that I had believed so many lies for so long. I drove by Albert today and for some reason wanted to stop the car and ask "Why was it not good enough for you?", I am still left with this open end that I have to deal with while he goes out makes way more money than he used to and get to generally have a life while he blames me for the demise of the last relationship.
enough about him, he hijacked my mind my life and my sanity for too long he can't have anymore of it.
I'm still pissed though, I thought I had nothing left for anyone to try and take from me. I once again was wrong, I didn't think it through.
I will say in closing if you are reading this read back over the other posts, I got a bit better as I went along no matter what I was trying to say.

Signing off kids be good to each other or you'll end up like me.

P.S No it doesn't suit you someone should have told you to think a little harder on that one. Guess you joined the other club. Makes me sad that you comprimised one of the great things about you. With all due respect not good.

Just to clear the air

So let me say that I recived a message about my blog from Alberts new girlfriend who has expressed how much Albert is hurting and how he cries everyday. The only thing I can say to her is the same thing I say to everyone. Get both sides of the story before you start shooting your mouth off. Did she ever take in to consideration that if he actually hadn't done anything wrong would the police have charged him? Why would CAS still need to be involved? How long did I spend trying to get the restraining order lifted so that supervised visits could be possible? Why is it always me having to make a new ways for Albert to see Alex, after Albert manages to screw up yet again all because Albert has to have everything his way? The other question would be if he is such a wonderful father why hasn't he bothered to pay child support? If he is such a wonderful person why was it all the people he said hated me are confused as to why it is he would say that when they don't feel they ever gave him that impression? How about when I told him I would do anything I could to help him he decided to scream the most horrible and hurtful things at me? Why was I threatened with Albert trying to have Alex put in foster care so that his mother could move here to be the one to take care of him? Also how did he get EVERYTHING in his apartment, I have to say that was me. Who made sure Albert got that job he has now. That would be me also. Who was it that covered everything while he decided to keep a job that paid nothing, ME. Anyone is free to take whatever shots you want, you can sit there and happily sing his praises. I did for a long time and stood up for him at all points I took time to go to his sister to try and find a way to make that marriage work. I had to listen to how I was stupid how I had a crap job. How anything I wanted or needed got to take a backseat to him and his needs. Maybe someone should tell you the story of how a certain person decide that my care after or son was born and after I had gone through a cesarean to have him was not important, ask him about how I got left on the stairs at 3am and told to "Suck it the fuck up and get back to bed" Let's find out why it was that he wanted to get married and he wanted to have a baby but when it got hard he ran. Like a scared child he ran. Trust me there are alot of people out there that are chomping at the bit for Albert to ask their opinion. They won't offer it but have all said if the opportunity presents itself they will. They will also smile and nod and be friendly until that time. I on the other hand will express my opinion because it was my marriage and Alex is my son and I am a wonderful parent who actually understood the sacrifices that would be required of me. Albert always complained that I wanted him to change. I never did if anything I didn't like the self absorbed person he became. Plus if anything he wanted me to change back to being the vodka swilling drug using out every night girl I used to be. He is very happy with that life and when I lived it with him I was happy to. He is excellent at the first part and Albert is great fun to be around at that stage but when it comes to the substance it isn't there. Like Albert said if it had just stayed him and I it would have been fine. I guess life just got too real for him.
So I guess I would have to say to the new girlfriend if you wish to have an opinion maybe you should really get your facts straight mybe you should pay attention to the fact that he can manage to start a new relationship before he has even started to get divorced. Just wait he will show his true colors, same as with the last 2 girlfriends before me and the same as he did with me. I will happily post your comment so that all the people can see also that I have no issue with taking in what you have to say.
TaTa darlings

The endless cycle

So since I use this blog as my own version of therapy I guess it is time for my latest session.
I would like to discuss something that has been weighting on my brain for a bit. It is a cycle that I have noticed in some people.
My Ex has decided to finally bring the girlfriend out of the shadows and on to Facebook, if he wouldn't mind taking down our wedding photos first or of me pregnant or videos of us. Little closure to the last family before you start the next one.
So here's the thing I have in the true sense of me have been digging for some information. Here is what I have learned. He has a cycle, any relationship he starts must start before the last one ends. There is always cheating involved, no matter how much he denys it. He then will keep the new girl low key and stay only in the circle of mutual friends, meaning anyone close enough to know both sides of what happened in the last relationship is out. he blends into her life with promises of love and companionship that could span 2 lifetimes, he's lying just so you know. He will then proceed to test this girl by either pulling out all of his best sob stories and how he has been so wronged and misunderstood. This too is a lie he needs sympathy and female attention at any turn. Make no mistake about it his loyalites are to himself and himself alone. After this girl has learned to deal with the constant barrage of phone calls text messages and any girl in a 5 mile radious is encouraged to practicly climb him in any attempt to see how far she will let him go. Also during this time if she opts for her own space it will be met with "Sure honey no problem" it will probably come out that he was with another girl on that night, my favorite part of that is when he would bring them to MY home to entertain them.
Soon the I love yous start and the deep meaningful stares, beware these are bullshit too. He will seem popular until it ends and you find out that most if not all your friends thought that he was a moron who complained too much and thought that he knew everything. You then look back and realize that there was always a lot of smiling and nodding when he would talk. This is also the point where you realize you were in love with him and he never had any intention of loving you back. This statement will constantly ring in my ears "If I had know that this (6months of cheating on his last girlfriend) would turn into me falling in love with you, I would have ended it before so that you didn't have to question how much I only want to be with you".
Here is my problem, I never trusted him, not a single day and I was harassed for that constantly. How can you be married to someone and not trust them? The answer, you don't. You must trust someone to love them. You must be honest to get trust.
Well as far as I can tell he is back to his mousey plain Jane teacher type. They usually are remarkablly similar in looks to his sister or his mother. Freud much?
Just remember when a girl/woman will enter into a relationship with a man who is first, still married. Second not doing anything to take care of his son, like not paying his child support. Last but definatly not least has a restraining order against him, and has to be supervised to see his kid. Which I might add he cuts every visit short to 90 minutes only. Do you honestly think he is telling the truth?
Do you think his family is stable when each sibling has alcohol or drug problems. A sister that has to reak violence on anyone who quetions her.
Plus like he has said, "Pretty girls are too high maintenance, I'm going back to the others."
All I can say is I'm sure there will be back lash from this because we all know your never allowed to say anything truthful, might tarnish the stellar reputation he "thinks" he has.

Stop me if you have heard this.

Ok so to those of you who don't know me well, I come from a "broken home" What a stupid term. My parents amrried when they were 20 had me when they were 21, ( this maybe why I refused to entertain the idea of marriage or kids till 30)
For about 12 years I didn't see much of my father, I also spent every weekend at my grandparents and on month from summer vacation with my paternal grandparents and the other month with my maternal grandparents. So pretty much I have had about 5 people as my parents growing up.
On to this post though. I am in the middle of a custody battle for my son. I have tried to find a nice way to say this, but I can't. I will try tactful though.
My 34 year old husband(soon to be ex) has now decided after almost 3 months of barely seeing our son that he is filing for joint custody. Now for those of you with kids would you take any opportunity to see your kid(s)? I know I would.
So my husband is a little underhanded to say the least. He has already informed me that he has a friend ( he always has a friend) who works as a behavioral therapist of some sort. Now understand before anyone gets to weigh in on any issue you must have both sides, to understand the child and the life they have you must know a little bit about each parent and the role that they play in the childs life.
So when he tells me that she believes that it is best for our son at the age of 2 to have 2 homes and go back and forth between the 2. I have spoken to a worker at Childrens Aid and people at the family law clinic, the director of the daycare that he goes to, I would think these people would know what the most reasonable solution to this issue would be and they say... That overnight visits for children under the age of 5-6 (depending on maturity) are not recommended. It can be very stressful and confusing to a young child to live in 2 different homes. Ok now lets tie this information with my first statement. I grew up in no less than 3 homes, it really does take a village trust me. I have memories of so many different kinds of parenting styles and views, it's confusing. I broke free from my family for a long time in my 20's and had to learn who I was and what kind of person I wanted to be, I'm still fine tuning it. This was when I started talking more to my father my thought he cared about my feelings before then why would he start now, this is not a slam I believe that everone in thier life should have someone who they listen to and give the NO GODDAMN BULLSHIT ANSWER!!!!
This is also how I adapted my don't lie to people policy and don't lie to me in return. My philosophy I would rather have 5 minutes of hurt and start to deal with something rather than 5 months of wondering if it was true. I hate fake people they make me very angry.
So back to my dad, I have very frank conversations with him. He is the one who helped guide me a bit through this. He was the one who told me that when a guy who wanted a family,then turns around and has no respect for you and complains about everything you do (even if you are trying to help him) he says away and gets mad when you ask him to come home, Blames you for everything and still wants to have sex but no real emotional attachment that man is gone he is either self involved or otherwise involved, ( and considering him and I started when he was with his last girlfriend, I know I'm a moron) we can tell which way I was leaning.
Here is the big kicker my father did the same thing to my mom, greatest childhood fear realized you damn well better believe it. So when your father who you have resented through most of your life for what he did tells you that your husband is acting the same as he did, you make them leave and quickly, do not pass go do not collect $200 just get the hell outta Dodge!
So now my absentee husband decided 2 times last week to blow our son off plainly because the situation was now to his liking. He is supposed to be supervised he doesn't want to be. He had someone to pick him up if he needed and then just let him spend time with his son, but no. He says that I am using our son as a weapon. When you are giving him lots of opportunity and lots of options and he still has to bugger off because he isn't getting his way then that I take personally don't blow off your kid they don't deal with parental rejection well and it will come back to haunt you.
So like I said to all the parents out there how much of yourself and your pride are you willing to give up for the unspeakable joy of being with youyr kids?
Me, I would do anything. You want me to learn how to stand in my hands and play tamboreen with my feet while playing Bach on a Kazoo to a sold out crowd in Wimbley stadium? Done and Done!
Don't blow off your kid because you don't get exactly what you want and then blame the other parent and tell them they are using your child as a weapon. I think my favorite part is when he told me he was filing for joint custody and would be taking our son 4 days a week and I could see how I like it.
So that is it, I'm too stressed out to continue and the bestest kid is starting to wake up from his nap, I can hear the singing.

Tata for now...

And we are done

So it seems that my husband soon to be ex husband has gone back to his old ways. He was honestly (up until I guess it was around the beginning of this year) the person who I thought actually got me. I guess I was wrong. It was an odd evolution he just sort of shut down. He started sleeping about 16 hours a day and constantly complaining that he was tired and never got any sleep. He started using drugs after over a year of giving them up. I think my favorite was when I would find empty baggies for cocaine and he told me (because he worked in a bar) that he just picked them up off the floor at work. Does anyone out there know of anyone who would lose thier blow and not flip over a fridge to find it? So you'll have to pardon me if I think that's a load of crap. Next the constantly finding little deposits of pot everywhere. The best is when we would fight and he would hole up in the bedroom and roll joints on the bedside table and leave reminants and ripped up pieces of cardboard that he had used for filter. I mean come on, I used to use with him when we started dating, did he really think that I wouldn't notice? Or understand what was going on?
Let's fast forward to a few weeks ago. My husband has now managed to chose going out to drink instead of being at home with me, probably because I told him I wanted to spend more time with him.He has chosen to have naked pictures of some 20 year old girl on his phone, ( nothing says self respect like spreading naked pictures of yourself around from your web cam, SCORE!) All the while she is running her mouth about how they are sleeping together and have been for a while. Plus everytime he goes anywhere she is right there.
My husband has a small issue with needing to be taken care of, Don't ever ask him to take care of you. He only wants to look like the big man he has no follow through. Him and I have lived together for 4 years and in that time I have paid for almost everything. I even went back to work 6 weeks after or son was born, lying and saying it was because I couldn't handle the pressure of staying at home when in actuallity it was because we were broke. In April when I lost my job/Quit my job I expected since I had taken care of it all for the last few years it was his turn till I found another job. No such luck, apparently asking him to take on more financial responsiblity was wrong of me, he had been living off me for too long(and my parents and my grandparents) and he wasn't giving it up. He did however express at every turn how stupid I was for losing my job. So much love I had no idea what to do with myself. I still amnaged to get mostly ewverythimg paid for April and May with help from my family. I also got to listen to how much my husband had to work and how amny hours a day he put in, the number of days in a row he had to work. Let me pose this question then, Where in hell is all this money your supposed to be making then if I have my parents and grandparents paying for the rent and daycare costs, I am still covering all the grocery costs and we have companies sending us notices for payment in arrears? If you are actually at work and making the money that you brag about making, then where is it?
Ladies and any gentlemen that run into this issue with you spouse, they are lying to you. They will also maange to make it your fault. It amazes me to no end how defensive people get when they know they have done something wrong but refuse to accept it. " I don't have a problem, you have a problem." Yes I do have a problem, I'm tired of being lied to by the person who is supposed to be my partner and the person who I am supposed to depend on.

Here we go in closing, If at anytime you are able to look at your spouse and say, "You have done eveything in your power to cut me out cut down and cut me up, especially when I spend a majority of my time trying to help you, take care of you, and love you." Then it's time to take off the ring and cut and run.
That feeling of your heart breaking will last for a long time and you will look back and wonder how it was that someone who you spent so much of your time caring for and worrying about and spoke I love you I miss you, When will you be home? How did they do it? Why would they do it?
They do it because in thier head no one is more important than them, no one will ever be able to make them happy, because at sometime the person they are with will need something from them and then when it isn't all about them and thier needs and thier ego they will do the same thing again.

I am done.

I don't even know anymore.

So here it is in a nut shell. I want my husband to come home and try to work through the issues that we have and try and comprimise and find a way to live together.
I am starting to believe everyday little by little that my husband is trying to streeech this out. Here's what I mean, He wants to come home, but will not change anything this entails still getting to smoke pot still getting to stay out drinking till 5am if he so chooses. Not attempting in any way to change his job or explore any other options. This would mean him working irratic scheduels and being out till a minimum of 2am for up to 15 days in a row sometimes.
The other thing, he wants to come home but will not find time to text me back call me or come to the house. I have been left in limbo with no information I have no idea where he is or when he will be coming to see his son that is if he does at all.
Next he wants to come home but everytime he comes home he takes a few more things it's like Chinese water torture. 1 shirt (drip) couple pairs of sock (drip) underwear (drip). Seriously imagine it someone telling you that they love you but still displaying how much they are leaving.
He then tells me he owes me no explination and that he will be where he wants when he wants, it makes me feel like a second rate citizen. One of our biggest issues is trust it's not the best to know that he has no intention of trying to sway thoses fears.
You know what it feels like, It's like that really great guy that you start dating and he's so nice and he's so understanding, but he never calls you have to sit there wondering where he is, and when you call him he takes 2 days to call you back. You keep holding out hope for them to see you hear you and they don't. This was why in my 20's when I encountered a guy like that I usually never wanted to see them again and rightly so. Surprisingly all the guys that I know and I know a lot. They all lost a girl that a few years down the road realized that she would listen she would care she would help them, but she wouldn't put up with thier crap, none of it so she left them in the dust.
A word of advice that may serve you well. Life is an evolution you have to end some portions of your life for others to survive. this for me meant I don't go out and drink every night, I gave up the drugs, I don't date a string of men dropping them as soon as I feel that they are either too clingy or don't seem to be able to give me what I need. I learned to sacrific, I learned to find joys in eating dinner at a table with people I love, I learned that sometimes there is safety in knowing someone just wants you there by thier side. I also learned that it's better to have 1 person who is on your side who won't always agree with you but will help you will love you and it's hard and it hurts sometimes but you have to see passed the hurt to the person who is still standing there waiting to hold your hand through the whole thing.
So to my readers I know the pool is shallow please know my love for my husband is there, I need him to love me and I need him to see that sometimes you have to do the hard thing and put away childish things.

So ta for now

J

When it's time to let go.

I have been on a rollercoaster for the last 2 weeks. I have also used this time to go on a little journey of self discovery. I have realized, I am angry. I'm angry at my father for just giving up, I'm also a little bitter that he refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing on his part. He surprisingly is still the person who I look to for honest answers, I look at it this way he has never taken my feelings into account before why would he start now? In the past 2 weeks I have had about 8 conversations with him that all resulted in the same way, "You are an angry person Jennifer you always have been, you need to just chill out. Life isn't that bad" Not too terribly sage advice from someone who has a few angry kids out there, not to mention a few angry wives.
Like I said thought I only look to him for honesty, so this I do have to consider, Am I so angry because I can't let go of the past because I am so desperate to alter what has already happened?
I do know that is impossible so I guess I just have to accept my fate and realize I just have to let it lay.
Next I am angry because I have always been the person who is "always on top of it" anyone who knows me knows what this means, for those who don't, If at anytime you find yourself in a situation that you need help, I'm the person you want there. I always have, well everything. I'm very serious I'm the person with diapers wipes blanket toys for your kids. Lipgloss hand cream brush makeup perfume or any other generally girly necessities. I always have some one to give you a lift some one with a truck to help you move, a hairdresser, real estate agent, financial advisor, great model or actor for a part. I can find you staff for a job, caters for a party, or better yet I can show you how to do it yourself for low cost and so you'll actually get to mingle.
Now you ask "OK crazy what's the freaking problem?", It is this, I'm tired I want someone else to do the juggling for a while, but I have been doing it for so long that it is almost expected of me, which brings me to my next point.
I hate disappointing people or not meeting the expectations that they may have or that I percive they have ( that in it self is a big problem), I also hold people to the yard stick that I feel other people hold me to, which I have come to realize is all in my head. I'm angry because I am about to let some people down and I know that I might have more of a problem with it than they do. Oh well, a little something to grow on. So I'm angry that I can't be as great person that I try to have people percive me as. I am faulted and I have to let it out. I guess not acting like a 1950's housewife and a 1980's career woman rolled into one will take some getting used to but if I don't I will put myself in an early grave, and my son is too cool to miss out on any part.
I'm also angry that I only put worth on what I do for other people and how they percive that, I am ashamed of my horrible body image and can't help that I can only try to change it. If I don't I will lose my husband my home maybe my child and it is almost definate that my sanity will be gone. so the as ahrd as it is going to be, I have got to try. So if you see me trying to teach sign language to a dog or actually feed and clothe the poor and hungry, could you just remind me that all the problems I have can't be solved by trying to fix all the other problems of the world.

Thanks ta ta for now.

Therapy

Ok so it seems that this is going to be even harder that I had thought.
When people make the statement "It's all about the kid(s)", that becomes more true if your not out drinking every night. People can preach how much their kids mean to them but until you can step up and actually take what you need out of the equation and make what they need be the most important thing then your just spouting out the crap!
In this situation it has been a long road of having to ask my husband to grow up. He in return says that I need to grow up (as you can see the maturity level in our house is low). I am of the school that parenting is a full time job and to be taken seriously. There are too many kids out there that don't get enough of a focus on them and I don't want my child to be one of thoses kids. I don't want him to be a kid like I was, sitting waiting for a daddy that wasn't coming. I don't want to be the bitter mother that feels the financial burden and feels it unfair that her life got taken away because she spends all her time making money so that the baby can have all he needs.
Since my husband refused to grow up when he was here, (now that he has even less responsibility he has nothing to hold him back) I am concerned that he will be the daddy that bolts. He has already shirked off seeing his son and has also taken no financial responsibility. He does though have money to go out drinking buy drugs and take cabs all over Gods green acre.
You ask why would he chose to do this and his response "He's just doing him". Isn't that a spectacular reason. I'm trying to mend a crushed little boy who wants his daddy who keeps looking for his daddy but doesn't understand that daddy has a problem that for a long time mommy fought against. This only created a wall and yes I know you can't make an addict quit and you can't reason with someones ego, but I thought he loved at least him enough to try. You can take me out of the equation even though I sit here wondering how you can look at a little boy that precious and happy and smart and so loving that he can make even the grayest day bright, and not try to not even care. To put your own selfish (yes I think they are selfish) needs ahead of something that beautiful and pure something so unconditional as your childs love.
I am angry I am hurt I do feel wronged, but I am ripped apart watching that little looking for daddy.
So please if your going to put the kids first, then damn it put them first.

When enough is enough

So the events of the past week are justt to much for me. I have asked my husband to leave. This decision was based on many factors, mainly he refuses to give up doing drugs and working at bars till 4am.
Now please understand I have not fallen out of love with my husband. I have seen the darker side of his addiction, his complete removal from doing any thing productive or helpful is too much.
When asked a year and a half ago to stop smoking pot he did reluctantly, I was knowing too well that this might blow up in my face. It did but it took a year for him to ride a steady decline. He started hiding it from me and then when confronted he lied.
We then started having to weather some financial waves, now this is both of us that had to deal with this. He lost it he spirialed down and didn't even want to see the top. I tried my best to help him but was met with A BRICK WALL OF RESISITANCE!!! To the point of hiding his head under pillows and blankets to continue putting off any conversations. He had said many times, "You just need to let it go". I don't believe that ignoring something till it "goes away" is productive in anyway. I know him and I are different in our approches to life. I want to face it head on and try to find a solution as quickily as possible. He on the other hand wants it all to go away.
That would be really nice if that work think of it, you would never have to deal with another problem just keep putting it to the back of your mind and eventually it goes away.
In my experience with this form of "Dealing with life" (which is vast, I used to be a hider too) it is short lived and only sinks you into a much deeper hole.
This brings me to my next point, "It ain't all about you anymore" our son, who is spectacular deserves more.He deserves to not see life from the bottom and have to climb out because of my husbands or my laziness or lack of want to do something. This is the statement that all to be parents and parents alike need to hear, Your childhood is over, the moment that you decided that a new little person into the world you have to step up and take all that you want and need out of the equation. I'm not saying be chained to the house, (though some of you will) but parenthood is a full time job. this means all of you this does not mean when you feel like it.
I am not an expert I do not have all the answers but I'm willing to fail and pick myself up. I am willing to fight for the things that matter to me and I will stand my ground. I do all this for my choice for my son.
That said I would like to say that I waited till I was older to have my child and to get married. I believed that it is important for all people to have thier lives and thier own adventures before venturing into the scary land that is parenthood. I amt not be the most mature and I don't have it all figured out, but I'm doing my best

Schools or the Parents

So here's the latest in Oh My God moments this week. Teaching 3rd graders about sex education. They say the reason for this being taught so early is because 80% of ninth graders are sexually active. Is this happening bacause of the bombardment of information that our children have accessable to them? Is it because we as adults are desensitised? Or is this just another thing that us as parents are passing on doing with our kids?
Ok first thing, 80% of ninth graders are sexually active. I thik before we take this statistic seriously some of those little boys that were asked need to be stuck on a lie detector. You know what I'm saying.
So let's go with about a modest 65% of 14 year olds are actually having sex, (that sound worse when you say 14 rather than 9th grader) if these kids are informed of what can happen and how to protect themselves then that's all you can do, unless your not adverse to home schooling and spending every waking minute being a voyeristic parent with the "Nanny Cam". Teenagers are going to do the most defiant thing that they can find so be willing to talk to the kiddies about the intercourse. You could make a game of it, see if you can gross your kid out before giving yourself a stroke. Could be quite the race. A majority of parents are too uncomfortable to have "The Talk" so their little hormone filled offspring are running around with no information and not enough of a set to actually buy the condoms or to ask the doctor about birth control. So what have we learned? If you don't want to be a grandparent helping teach your grandkid to walk right before you take your daughter out for her first driving test, then suck it up and start teaching your kids how to act like responsible adults.
This brings me to my next point are we to easy going on what our little ones little ears and eyes are being filled with? Do we not think that those little sponge brained 3 year olds can understand when something bad is on T.V? There have been certain instances in which I realized that my 2 year old has started to pay attention and has gotten really good at imitating. That scares me a little.
I think in all honesty that it might be a really good idea for all of the parents to stop complaining when the schools actually step up to the plate and start the education that you should start with your child. To teach your children how to be responsible and informed, to decide what's best for them and make decisions based on valid teachings and being able to have an open and honest dialoge with either of their parents. I would want to know what my kids teachers are saying to them at the very least so that I can decide whether that's what I want my child to hear. Or even to solidify the original teaching. I want to know that I have given my little one all the tools he will need to go out and be a good man. I also want him to hear it from me.

That's all I've got for today
Kisses.

The lost art of conversation

So lets call this what it is, a lost art. Communication has become one of the hardest things to accomplish even under the best of curcumstances. Now we have to battle against Text messages, BBM messages, voicemail, e-mail, Twitter, Facebook, and numerous other portals that have to be checked on such a frequent basis that we could lose our minds. I prefer the good old fashioned way you sit down you look at a person and SHOCKING!!! You talk! This is our most elusive forms of communication the "conversation" it's like the unicorn form of communicating. Stunningly beautiful when you achive it, but many don't believe it exhists.
I do have to say also in the defense of tech talkers, there is an efficiency to it but without emoticons how do you express the emotions? You live only in the flat black and white world of text, your thumbs bleeding from those tiny little buttons and the frustration of hitting send by accident. How did we get to believe that we are so busy that we can spend 2 hours a day returning emails or sending them when you could pick up the phone and talk for 2 minutes and express what you really want to say with emotion and feeling. I don't even understand why some cell phones have an actual phone to it, it never gets used so why have it. It's like when you walk into some ones office and they have their cell right next to their office phone, is the land line art? What purpose does it serve? It doesn't.
My child will learn to converse it is necessary to survival in my family, you don't chat, you might as well be wall paper. I grew up in a house where everyone got a chance to speak, but you had to have a valid and well thought out arguement to hold the floor. If not some one could swoop in with an "Interesting, but what about this?" and as quickly as you had it, it was taken away. The beautiful part was you had to actually listen to what the other person had to say so that you could get your spotlight back, and let me tell you my family talks fast so either pay attention or get really used to sitting there with a really confused look on your face. We would go through about 10 topics in about 2 hrs after dinner, some people would fall of in to sub-chats as I call them but I always liked to stick with the big dogs. The people who got SUPER passionate about what they believed and they had lots to back it up. It never really was an arguement so much as a battle royal for verbal supremicy. I miss doing that so much.
It's hard not to feel socially stagnated in a no talk zone. I have caught myself striking up conversations with strangers just to get a fix, older people are the best they'll talk for hours.
I will close with this, I do see the hypocrisy in typing my rants and yes I can appreciate it as a bit humourous but all people know that your feelings have to come out some how, so if you can do it in the way that you want you better get it out in the best way possible, uninterupted.

Lots of love and respect to you. Now go find some one to talk to.

Free Speech vs. Tolerance

In a city like Ottawa we have to wear our politicly correct hat all the time. Well mine is coming off, I would just like to preface by saying I am not classified as any strict political type. I believe that all veiws are relevent and necsassary to our society and culture.
Ann Coulter sparked great debate among all when she was requested to "tone it down", by the president of Ottawa U. This in my opinion was done on his part to ensure possibly her safety and to ensure her message would not be misconstrued as slander. No such luck, She decided to set off a slanderous bomb, for lack of a better term. Her email to the Ottawa Citizen was the beginning of the end of her stay in Ottawa. I will not quote her plainly because I do not wish to hear what she said again.
After these protests and debates over wrong and right, who is and who isn't?
No one, I beleive this is no longer the great debate of free speech it has turned into a question of tolerance. Do we have it or not?
When you have the fortune of living in a country that has social programs, free lunch programs in schools, good shelters and soup kitchens, and assistance for all. That would dictate a generous and responsible society. Many would disagree with me, Taxes are high, school systems are down, no art grants. all valid arguements. I agree we are the cultivaters of art and fitness in this country. Now how many art programs are available in say Uganda Or Haiti. How many of you live in a leaning piece of cardboard against a wall to house you and your 3 children because your husband was killed by a solider for not getting out of the way fast enough. Do you think that woman should not merit any kind of help to get out of a situation that is not of her doing, should her chldren suffer and starve to death because their father didn`t get off the street when told.
This never would have happened here, this is in my mind the reason our tolerance needs to rise. We have high awareness and we have compassion and we are the first in to help out when the going gets tough.
There are though those who feel in the right to say that they feel bullied into this ¨mulit-cultural¨ society. I don`t feel bullied I feel as if it is something that enriches our cities schools and businesses. I do agree there are some who when given the chance will abuse the system, don`t be too diluted we do it ALL the time and feel it in our right because it`s our country. Well I say Ok thet is your issue with the welfare office. they have hotlines call it in if your such a concerned citizen. People like to talk but they have no action. For them Shut it!
Back to the tolerance in our society you have the right, no the privledge to speak your mind the one thing you must bear in mind, so does everyone else. Deal with it. You feel so bullied go to a country that some of these people came from and see why it is that their here now. I don`t know many people who would up root the whole family to move across an ocean or contient just because they had a bad week. I say this is free country and you are free to leave if you feel so hard done by, just do us a favor drop us a card before you go infront a firing squad ( yes they still have them in some places) for running that mouth.
I have had, do have, and always will have friends of the ¨multi-cultural¨ back grounds. I am proud of the fact that I don`t always agree with what they say or do but I have tolerance for their right to do it.

So this is it

So let me put this as delicately as I can, My boss is a jack ass! Ok so that wasn't so delicate. I have been let go from my job plainly because I told my boss that this isn't working out anymore. There was no communication between him and I, He was pitting the evening and the day staff against each other, and when your in a team enviroment doesn't work out so well.
I was sent very uncerimoniously out the door at the end of my shift on Friday, ah well guess I should have made those changes to the schedual before he fired me(they'll have some fun Friday). So after almost 6years of working for the same person I have been set free on the city once more. All I want to say is "Thank God it's over", Anyone else who has worked there says it takes a few days for the Stockholm Effect to wear off. Me it didn't even take 24hrs. The feeling of freedom not being under the thumb of Dunns and Stanley Devine is amazing, it is really a fog that you have to shake off to really see how it is that this place runs, for example. At no point is any employee to be allowed to take a break( but you have to post the break schedual). At no time is any employee allowed to call in sick, EVER! Any injuries sustained by any employee on the work premiss are not to be reported until Stanley has given his consent to send the paper work. if any manager breaks these rules they may be terminated with no notice or severance. What aload of crap. I broke everyone of thoses rules, and would do it again. Good bye Dunns you will not be missed nor will there be any type of regret as to the loss of my position.

Daycare The new frontier

So as of Febuary 1st my sweet, sweet baby bot will start Daycare. This I understand now as a necessity. He will be fine, he will be fine, he will be fine. Maybe if I say it enough times I will believe it, I do believe it but it's still hard to think he's 2. seriously where did the last 2 years go, I remember being present but I just don't feel like I've really been here for the whole thing, anyways.
I'm kinda shocked at how quickly it happened,(I apologize to anyone reading this who had to take a long time on waiting lists or having to work through the part time aspect to get to the coveted Monday - Friday spot. It took me 3 whole days to seal the deal, tha's right kids 72 agony filled hours. I've heard of parents who put their kids on lists when they're pregnant and still have heard nothing by the time the kid is 2. We also have a subsidised spot opening up for us in 6 months. It is absolutly crazy when I think about it. This daycare is also rated in the top 15% in the city and is actually pretty hard to get into. It's bilingual 10 hours a day and has a class size of no more than 9 kids per day. The teachers are made up of a registered nurse an ECE teachers assit from Algonquin college 2 previous kindergarden teachers and a very sweet older lady that is the volenteer who has 8 grandchildren. Alex has taken quite a shine to her. The 2 other students in the class are in the process of completing their child pychology degree at Ottawa U.
I would have to say after meeting them all and seeing how well Alex took to them all I'm sure he will be fine.
he will be fine, he will be fine, he will be fine. I'm almost there maybe I just need alittle more time.

Let's talk about the R word

Resposibility, This is the topic that is on my mind at this time. Not the typical resposibilities that come with everyday life. No I'm talking about taking a little common sense responsibility. You know when you see an older person struggling with a heavy load of groceries and they need help with the door, Help them. A mother has 2 children that seem to be getting away from her just cast your eyes to the one farthest away and keep them there. Most of the time it doesn't take the effort that you think it would and even if there is no thank you, you know that no one got their hip broken and no on ended up on a milk carton. Ok that's a bit drastic but sometimes the worst case does happen and it happens to more and more people everyday. These people could have been helped from pulling open a door or just being able to see where the other child wandered to.
My growing concerns with society seems to be coming to a much larger head than I thought. I see so many things in everyday life that can be helped. I do it. I don't do it for the recognition or as some call it "the glory". I seem to have a need to help others and have always had it, I don't think it's some thing that I can ever get rid of. I do unfortunatly have a need now to get others involved. I have come to a wonderful conclusion, People seem to just need a little guildance and they will be very willing to give what they can of their time and sometimes of their finances.
This something that gives me the warm fuzzies, like kittens and dryer lint it's warm and cuddly and just good for the soul. I think my train of thought is wavering I may have to end this quickly or it will turn into a run on.
Ok so short sweet and to the point. Just do it, Hold the door, Cast the eyes, say excuse me, say please, and don't complain about the world and the people in it if you have no intention of trying to be a better person in a better world. Nothing ever gets fixed by bitching about it. The more that you complain the more it snowballs.
Do I have to say it again? Ok hear it is Help others and it will help you.

Much love much caring and much respect
TaTa...

Oh how the time gets away from me

This has been a crazy month. So many things that I would love to share but either can't, won't, or even shouldn't. Wow that might make for an unbearable piece to read.
First thing to all parents PLEASE research any kind of vaccination you are planning on giving your child. To each their own but at least be informed.
Too many people have just been jabbing a needle in their childs arm without even the slightest idea what they are putting in or if their child is in need of this vaccine.
Yes H1N1 is scary but you need to look at the facts of those that get it and the reasons it wasn't recognized or dealt with in time. This is why I say BE INFORMED don't go hyper vigillant of ever little thing your child touches, or in my sons case licks. My son has had a chest cold and he is fine, all parents know what it's like to watch that thermometer start to rise past your comfort zone. The number 104 is the scariest number to any parent. Ok I'm done with that no more scary flu talk.

Alex on the other hand has started to make his weekly trips to Nannie and Grampas house. I have learned that when you are the one who is getting him ready to be picked up it is not wise to utter these words, "Is it Nannie and Grampa day?". This will prompt my young prince to go downstairs and start to put on shoes and yell at the top of his lungs, "Nae Nae Nannie Nannie Grampa Grampa Grampa". This does continue until we get on the shoes and my parents show up. Sometimes that feels like an eternity.
He then spends the day running errands, surpisingly enough he loves it anything where he gets to push a cart of any kind is usually well received. He then gets to go back to Nannie and Grampas for a sleepover. This usually consists of eating dinner play time and bath time. The best part is when Hockey comes on and he gets his cheering lesson from Grampa. It's sort of looking like blasting off from his Einstein show but it ends with a big YAY and much clapping and running around. I can figure out who gets happier about the time spent together, him or them. Might have to look into a tie on that one.
Best part of it all is he gets a break from us and we get to have sometime where it's not all about him and a little bit more about my husband and I.

And last but not least, The holiday season for most servers can be VERY lucritive and I plan on taking advantage of that as much as I can. That sounds bad, I am actually planning the first Adopt a Family for Christmas. It's basiclly what it sounds like you go to the United way and they pick a less fortunate family with children. You then buy the Christmas dinner and gifts for the family, you can also give clothes or extra food for after Christmas. My thought was this; We have all the restaurants on Elgin St. ( I have to start small the first year), ask thier servers bartenders hostesses and busser for a $2 donation per shift. When your staring at the 150 you made that shift it doesn't feel like as much of a bite in the pocket. Then we request that the restaurant owners match the donation this would mean that enough food and clothes could be bought for at least 6 families hopefullt getting them through the first part of winter.
My thought is that you never know when it will be you at the bottom, it can happen at the drop of a hat. So why not lay the Karmic ground work so to say, maybe then if it does happen to you the landing may be a bit softer or the climb back up a little easier.

All for now hope it was a bit to think on
later.

You can't please all the people all the time.

So as I get older I realize that the old saying, "You can make some of the people happy some of the time, but you can't make all the people happy all the time." It tends to ring a bit truer with the older you get and your life becomes more complicated. Be it whether you have taken on having children or getting married. If you take on more responsilbity at work. I unforntunatly have decided to do all of the above. I wouldn't say I'm a person that takes the easy way out, but I'm not the kind of person who tries to throw road blocks in my own way, (I do tend to get a little pissed if someone eles tries too).
I am at a crossroads in many relationships in my life. I tend to take on alot and that has started to spread me a little thin, the only thing I am not questioning is my love and undying devotion to my beautiful son. Mommy as always loves you.
I'm going to go through a day in my life, mant have stated that they wouldn't trade places with me for anything. I don't blame them.
First thing I do not like the amount I have to work, but I have to so no more complaining about that. I love what I do no matter how much I complain, I've worked hard to get where I am and I can feel the cusp of change.
My day can begin in many different ways, I can wake to my son calling out, my alarm going off,(most times before the sun comes up), occasionally I could wake up on my own. Those I can count on one hand in the last 6 months. I then proceed to either get my son cleaned up and fed before I wake up my husband so that I can take 15 minutes to get ready to go to work. I then leave my house to the mama no mum mum. This breaks my heart for about 8 hours till I grt to hug and kiss him again. Ususally I get to have some sort of fight with my husband as well which tends to set me back on my daily journey. So let's recap so far haven't been up for more than an hour and already I'm ready to crawl into a hole and die.
Now after either driving or walking to work I can walk in to a full restaurant where I have to dive ankle deep into it and start running right off he bat, usually to cranky cutomers, cranky staff, which will translate later into angry boss. I don't know why he just will be. Usually by 11am I have run the restaurant to a profit and myself into the ground. This day may result in a screaming match or 7 with Stanley and then on to lunch. This is a true test of my endurance I have to maintain the largest section in the restaurant, plus keep the kitchen and the rest of the staff moving. Maintain an eye on the door, keep Stan distracted from any problems and away from trying to throw people out, (be it staff or customers). I also have to deal with ant and all customer complaints, while still maintaining my customers that can be as many as 46 at a time this includes all and any of Stanleys friends a group of demanding condicending people. Sidebar, to the lawyers I am a server not a servent. Get it straight!
After lunch I deal with any issues that have occured and put those to bed. Then I can have any responsiblities from the schedule to pick ups for items that will be required for the evening or the next day. It can even go as far as going to pick up the bosses wife and driving her home. Fun fun.
Now I get to go home to my family, unless I have to go get groceries, pick up a prescription, or anything eles that I may need that I will be unable to run out and get after I get home. I walk in the door usually to the sounds of my sweetest baby boy calling for me. this is music to my ears.
My husband heads off to bed and my time with my son begins. We usually clean up any mess that has been made during the day, the big clean happens when he goes to bed. Now for fun, we go to the park, then to the store for a nice treat of chocolate milk then we go for a walk around the neighborhood and then home for dinner. I make his dinner and something for myself. While he eays like a big boy I go around and get his sippy cups and his bedtime bottles clean them and refill them so that they are ready for the next day.
Anybody tired yet? No time there is still laundry floors to clean a dog to feed and possibly walk as well, and I still have a tired boy who needs a bath and a cuddle and his shows. Sometimes he refuses to nap in the afternoon so bedtimes can be anywhere between 7 or 8 pm. He likes bathtime and he even likes bed time. YIPPIE! This makes me super happy and lucky.
After baths, snuggles, In the Night Garden watched, and bedtime routine has been followed he heads to bed and 99% of the time his head hits the pillow he's asleep, case closed ( I miss him already).
Now on to the bike exercise for me and laundry in the machine, afterwards I may field calls from my boss txt messages from employees. I get hte floors swept and ready for the next day get a shower, god willing and sit down to watch some T.V. In bed around 10pm asleep by usually 11 sometimes sleep doesn't come till midnight but such is life. My husband is gone to work my son is asleep and my mind has already started on how to make it that I can get home earlier so I can see my boy.
I miss him everyday all day I miss having an actual relationship with my husband.
I do it all for them and sometimes I find it hard but sometimes I'm the person that I can't make happy all the time.

Tata for now.

What a Day

Ok so the entry is purely about the exahusting day I have had, and also the amazing realization I have come to about my boss. He trusts me! Now I understand that most people would not think this to be an amazing conclusion you would need to know my boss for at least a short period of time, or know someone who has worked for him and had to hear the repeated stories of insanity. You see Stanley is man of very few words but they must be abrasive, abusive and, loud, definately loud. This is why him and I get along as well as we do. He can dish it I can take it. Please make no mistake I can dish with the best of ther craziest of the restaurant owners,(because I have worked for them ALL).
So today was very busy, what we would normally sell on an average Sunday we sold by 10am. By 3pm we had sold 3 times the amount we would have sold. The strangest part is Stanley sat through the whole thing. Silent and smiling he watched us through out the day laughing and joking with us all. No yelling no screaming our names from the Kitchen door, I have to say Terry and I were afraid he had a stroke.
Stan calls me over and asks me to sit down, he puts his hand on my knee and says, "Kid I don't have a single complaint today. Your team did a great job. Make sure that they know it." I have to say this blew me away.
I had to send one staffer home at 11am, he had an appointment that I had forgotten about and just had to suck up the loss. I can say without hesitation I really thought there would be an expolsion of an extreme magnitude. All he did was ask "Why does he have to leave?" I explained it was my fault and he had to leave. He asked if I thought it would be ok and I said that it could be hard but I had faith that they could do it. he smiled and told me, "Ok go to it".
And go to it we did we ran he smiled, we sold and up sold and he smiled. he just couldn't stop smiling, seriously thought of stroke was on my mind. Please understand I don't mind him being happy as a clam, it just takes a bit to get used to.
I have spent many tiring hours changing staff shifts and times, working different shifts myself to see how staff interacts with each other and also how they are with the customers, ( I have some faithful regulars on all 3 shifts we have, that are always willing to share) and if the sales change from when I'm on the floor. the reason I do this is because my work has been plagued with very high staff turn over, this does not make my job easy. I wanted my job to be easier. Since I took over as GM I have only fired 2 people and have only had staff quit because of leaving the country or province. that means a great deal to me.
It's finally I think it might be getting easier. I have gained trust and confidance from my boss, one of the most notorious pricks in this game to date. it fills me with some awesome pride to know that all that hard work has finally paid off.

This one may not seem like alot to some and it might have put you to sleep but this was one of my best days.

more later, thank you.

All you need is Love

So to my distress I got that horrible feeling in the pit of my stomach. You know the one I'm talking about, the one that makes you feel like the balance is off and evil seems to be winning the race.
Evil took a heavy lead on Wednesday at around 5pm. Melanie Harris was hit and dragged under an STO bus, she was pronounced dead on site. Out of respect for the dead I shall continue this post with what the first thing that came into my head when the whole thing really sunk in.
Love, all I could think of was Love.
The love that I have for my family the love I have for my friends, the love that I try to express to them everyday. I am accountable to all the people that I love, I am the only one responsible for making sure that they all know everyday the love I have for them. today I start to express it a little more.
To my husband, no one gets to walk out, even when we hate each other we love each other, I will say it as much as I can and show it even more than that. This I promise.
To my son, no matter how many tantrums you can throw, I can see past it. Even when your tired cranky or angry I will love you. You will become more independant and need to stand on your own feet, I will support this and be your biggest fan. I will love you and tell you this as much as I can everyday.
To my parents, Mom, we fight we disagree we don't always see eye to eye. I love you. You made me the person that I am today. I will promise to make sure you know how much you mean to me and how greatful for all the love you have given me and the love that we have yet to share.
Jerome, you may have came into my life in some of the more difficult time and I understand the difficulty that has had to be overcome. You never made me feel like less you never had me guessing if I was loved I knew I was. I was also very thankful that my Mom finally had someone who could love her the way she needed and deserved. You will always be loved.
To my friends, I am not as present as I used to be in your lives. For that I am sorry. I still miss you all in the times that I can't see you. You have never judgrd me and I hope I have returned the favor. You are my friends not because of what I can get from you but what I can learn and share with you. You are all loved and always will be in my heart.
This the only way I know how to put the love back into the Universe, and make it so that maybe Good can stop bringing up the rear.

Pass it on, if you love them let them know. Would you ever want to wonder how the people you love feel about you?

Just one more time I love you.