Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I don't even know anymore.

So here it is in a nut shell. I want my husband to come home and try to work through the issues that we have and try and comprimise and find a way to live together.
I am starting to believe everyday little by little that my husband is trying to streeech this out. Here's what I mean, He wants to come home, but will not change anything this entails still getting to smoke pot still getting to stay out drinking till 5am if he so chooses. Not attempting in any way to change his job or explore any other options. This would mean him working irratic scheduels and being out till a minimum of 2am for up to 15 days in a row sometimes.
The other thing, he wants to come home but will not find time to text me back call me or come to the house. I have been left in limbo with no information I have no idea where he is or when he will be coming to see his son that is if he does at all.
Next he wants to come home but everytime he comes home he takes a few more things it's like Chinese water torture. 1 shirt (drip) couple pairs of sock (drip) underwear (drip). Seriously imagine it someone telling you that they love you but still displaying how much they are leaving.
He then tells me he owes me no explination and that he will be where he wants when he wants, it makes me feel like a second rate citizen. One of our biggest issues is trust it's not the best to know that he has no intention of trying to sway thoses fears.
You know what it feels like, It's like that really great guy that you start dating and he's so nice and he's so understanding, but he never calls you have to sit there wondering where he is, and when you call him he takes 2 days to call you back. You keep holding out hope for them to see you hear you and they don't. This was why in my 20's when I encountered a guy like that I usually never wanted to see them again and rightly so. Surprisingly all the guys that I know and I know a lot. They all lost a girl that a few years down the road realized that she would listen she would care she would help them, but she wouldn't put up with thier crap, none of it so she left them in the dust.
A word of advice that may serve you well. Life is an evolution you have to end some portions of your life for others to survive. this for me meant I don't go out and drink every night, I gave up the drugs, I don't date a string of men dropping them as soon as I feel that they are either too clingy or don't seem to be able to give me what I need. I learned to sacrific, I learned to find joys in eating dinner at a table with people I love, I learned that sometimes there is safety in knowing someone just wants you there by thier side. I also learned that it's better to have 1 person who is on your side who won't always agree with you but will help you will love you and it's hard and it hurts sometimes but you have to see passed the hurt to the person who is still standing there waiting to hold your hand through the whole thing.
So to my readers I know the pool is shallow please know my love for my husband is there, I need him to love me and I need him to see that sometimes you have to do the hard thing and put away childish things.

So ta for now


Sunday, June 13, 2010

When it's time to let go.

I have been on a rollercoaster for the last 2 weeks. I have also used this time to go on a little journey of self discovery. I have realized, I am angry. I'm angry at my father for just giving up, I'm also a little bitter that he refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing on his part. He surprisingly is still the person who I look to for honest answers, I look at it this way he has never taken my feelings into account before why would he start now? In the past 2 weeks I have had about 8 conversations with him that all resulted in the same way, "You are an angry person Jennifer you always have been, you need to just chill out. Life isn't that bad" Not too terribly sage advice from someone who has a few angry kids out there, not to mention a few angry wives.
Like I said thought I only look to him for honesty, so this I do have to consider, Am I so angry because I can't let go of the past because I am so desperate to alter what has already happened?
I do know that is impossible so I guess I just have to accept my fate and realize I just have to let it lay.
Next I am angry because I have always been the person who is "always on top of it" anyone who knows me knows what this means, for those who don't, If at anytime you find yourself in a situation that you need help, I'm the person you want there. I always have, well everything. I'm very serious I'm the person with diapers wipes blanket toys for your kids. Lipgloss hand cream brush makeup perfume or any other generally girly necessities. I always have some one to give you a lift some one with a truck to help you move, a hairdresser, real estate agent, financial advisor, great model or actor for a part. I can find you staff for a job, caters for a party, or better yet I can show you how to do it yourself for low cost and so you'll actually get to mingle.
Now you ask "OK crazy what's the freaking problem?", It is this, I'm tired I want someone else to do the juggling for a while, but I have been doing it for so long that it is almost expected of me, which brings me to my next point.
I hate disappointing people or not meeting the expectations that they may have or that I percive they have ( that in it self is a big problem), I also hold people to the yard stick that I feel other people hold me to, which I have come to realize is all in my head. I'm angry because I am about to let some people down and I know that I might have more of a problem with it than they do. Oh well, a little something to grow on. So I'm angry that I can't be as great person that I try to have people percive me as. I am faulted and I have to let it out. I guess not acting like a 1950's housewife and a 1980's career woman rolled into one will take some getting used to but if I don't I will put myself in an early grave, and my son is too cool to miss out on any part.
I'm also angry that I only put worth on what I do for other people and how they percive that, I am ashamed of my horrible body image and can't help that I can only try to change it. If I don't I will lose my husband my home maybe my child and it is almost definate that my sanity will be gone. so the as ahrd as it is going to be, I have got to try. So if you see me trying to teach sign language to a dog or actually feed and clothe the poor and hungry, could you just remind me that all the problems I have can't be solved by trying to fix all the other problems of the world.

Thanks ta ta for now.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010


Ok so it seems that this is going to be even harder that I had thought.
When people make the statement "It's all about the kid(s)", that becomes more true if your not out drinking every night. People can preach how much their kids mean to them but until you can step up and actually take what you need out of the equation and make what they need be the most important thing then your just spouting out the crap!
In this situation it has been a long road of having to ask my husband to grow up. He in return says that I need to grow up (as you can see the maturity level in our house is low). I am of the school that parenting is a full time job and to be taken seriously. There are too many kids out there that don't get enough of a focus on them and I don't want my child to be one of thoses kids. I don't want him to be a kid like I was, sitting waiting for a daddy that wasn't coming. I don't want to be the bitter mother that feels the financial burden and feels it unfair that her life got taken away because she spends all her time making money so that the baby can have all he needs.
Since my husband refused to grow up when he was here, (now that he has even less responsibility he has nothing to hold him back) I am concerned that he will be the daddy that bolts. He has already shirked off seeing his son and has also taken no financial responsibility. He does though have money to go out drinking buy drugs and take cabs all over Gods green acre.
You ask why would he chose to do this and his response "He's just doing him". Isn't that a spectacular reason. I'm trying to mend a crushed little boy who wants his daddy who keeps looking for his daddy but doesn't understand that daddy has a problem that for a long time mommy fought against. This only created a wall and yes I know you can't make an addict quit and you can't reason with someones ego, but I thought he loved at least him enough to try. You can take me out of the equation even though I sit here wondering how you can look at a little boy that precious and happy and smart and so loving that he can make even the grayest day bright, and not try to not even care. To put your own selfish (yes I think they are selfish) needs ahead of something that beautiful and pure something so unconditional as your childs love.
I am angry I am hurt I do feel wronged, but I am ripped apart watching that little looking for daddy.
So please if your going to put the kids first, then damn it put them first.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

When enough is enough

So the events of the past week are justt to much for me. I have asked my husband to leave. This decision was based on many factors, mainly he refuses to give up doing drugs and working at bars till 4am.
Now please understand I have not fallen out of love with my husband. I have seen the darker side of his addiction, his complete removal from doing any thing productive or helpful is too much.
When asked a year and a half ago to stop smoking pot he did reluctantly, I was knowing too well that this might blow up in my face. It did but it took a year for him to ride a steady decline. He started hiding it from me and then when confronted he lied.
We then started having to weather some financial waves, now this is both of us that had to deal with this. He lost it he spirialed down and didn't even want to see the top. I tried my best to help him but was met with A BRICK WALL OF RESISITANCE!!! To the point of hiding his head under pillows and blankets to continue putting off any conversations. He had said many times, "You just need to let it go". I don't believe that ignoring something till it "goes away" is productive in anyway. I know him and I are different in our approches to life. I want to face it head on and try to find a solution as quickily as possible. He on the other hand wants it all to go away.
That would be really nice if that work think of it, you would never have to deal with another problem just keep putting it to the back of your mind and eventually it goes away.
In my experience with this form of "Dealing with life" (which is vast, I used to be a hider too) it is short lived and only sinks you into a much deeper hole.
This brings me to my next point, "It ain't all about you anymore" our son, who is spectacular deserves more.He deserves to not see life from the bottom and have to climb out because of my husbands or my laziness or lack of want to do something. This is the statement that all to be parents and parents alike need to hear, Your childhood is over, the moment that you decided that a new little person into the world you have to step up and take all that you want and need out of the equation. I'm not saying be chained to the house, (though some of you will) but parenthood is a full time job. this means all of you this does not mean when you feel like it.
I am not an expert I do not have all the answers but I'm willing to fail and pick myself up. I am willing to fight for the things that matter to me and I will stand my ground. I do all this for my choice for my son.
That said I would like to say that I waited till I was older to have my child and to get married. I believed that it is important for all people to have thier lives and thier own adventures before venturing into the scary land that is parenthood. I amt not be the most mature and I don't have it all figured out, but I'm doing my best