Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I don't even know anymore.

So here it is in a nut shell. I want my husband to come home and try to work through the issues that we have and try and comprimise and find a way to live together.
I am starting to believe everyday little by little that my husband is trying to streeech this out. Here's what I mean, He wants to come home, but will not change anything this entails still getting to smoke pot still getting to stay out drinking till 5am if he so chooses. Not attempting in any way to change his job or explore any other options. This would mean him working irratic scheduels and being out till a minimum of 2am for up to 15 days in a row sometimes.
The other thing, he wants to come home but will not find time to text me back call me or come to the house. I have been left in limbo with no information I have no idea where he is or when he will be coming to see his son that is if he does at all.
Next he wants to come home but everytime he comes home he takes a few more things it's like Chinese water torture. 1 shirt (drip) couple pairs of sock (drip) underwear (drip). Seriously imagine it someone telling you that they love you but still displaying how much they are leaving.
He then tells me he owes me no explination and that he will be where he wants when he wants, it makes me feel like a second rate citizen. One of our biggest issues is trust it's not the best to know that he has no intention of trying to sway thoses fears.
You know what it feels like, It's like that really great guy that you start dating and he's so nice and he's so understanding, but he never calls you have to sit there wondering where he is, and when you call him he takes 2 days to call you back. You keep holding out hope for them to see you hear you and they don't. This was why in my 20's when I encountered a guy like that I usually never wanted to see them again and rightly so. Surprisingly all the guys that I know and I know a lot. They all lost a girl that a few years down the road realized that she would listen she would care she would help them, but she wouldn't put up with thier crap, none of it so she left them in the dust.
A word of advice that may serve you well. Life is an evolution you have to end some portions of your life for others to survive. this for me meant I don't go out and drink every night, I gave up the drugs, I don't date a string of men dropping them as soon as I feel that they are either too clingy or don't seem to be able to give me what I need. I learned to sacrific, I learned to find joys in eating dinner at a table with people I love, I learned that sometimes there is safety in knowing someone just wants you there by thier side. I also learned that it's better to have 1 person who is on your side who won't always agree with you but will help you will love you and it's hard and it hurts sometimes but you have to see passed the hurt to the person who is still standing there waiting to hold your hand through the whole thing.
So to my readers I know the pool is shallow please know my love for my husband is there, I need him to love me and I need him to see that sometimes you have to do the hard thing and put away childish things.

So ta for now


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