I have been on a rollercoaster for the last 2 weeks. I have also used this time to go on a little journey of self discovery. I have realized, I am angry. I'm angry at my father for just giving up, I'm also a little bitter that he refuses to acknowledge any wrong doing on his part. He surprisingly is still the person who I look to for honest answers, I look at it this way he has never taken my feelings into account before why would he start now? In the past 2 weeks I have had about 8 conversations with him that all resulted in the same way, "You are an angry person Jennifer you always have been, you need to just chill out. Life isn't that bad" Not too terribly sage advice from someone who has a few angry kids out there, not to mention a few angry wives.
Like I said thought I only look to him for honesty, so this I do have to consider, Am I so angry because I can't let go of the past because I am so desperate to alter what has already happened?
I do know that is impossible so I guess I just have to accept my fate and realize I just have to let it lay.
Next I am angry because I have always been the person who is "always on top of it" anyone who knows me knows what this means, for those who don't, If at anytime you find yourself in a situation that you need help, I'm the person you want there. I always have, well everything. I'm very serious I'm the person with diapers wipes blanket toys for your kids. Lipgloss hand cream brush makeup perfume or any other generally girly necessities. I always have some one to give you a lift some one with a truck to help you move, a hairdresser, real estate agent, financial advisor, great model or actor for a part. I can find you staff for a job, caters for a party, or better yet I can show you how to do it yourself for low cost and so you'll actually get to mingle.
Now you ask "OK crazy what's the freaking problem?", It is this, I'm tired I want someone else to do the juggling for a while, but I have been doing it for so long that it is almost expected of me, which brings me to my next point.
I hate disappointing people or not meeting the expectations that they may have or that I percive they have ( that in it self is a big problem), I also hold people to the yard stick that I feel other people hold me to, which I have come to realize is all in my head. I'm angry because I am about to let some people down and I know that I might have more of a problem with it than they do. Oh well, a little something to grow on. So I'm angry that I can't be as great person that I try to have people percive me as. I am faulted and I have to let it out. I guess not acting like a 1950's housewife and a 1980's career woman rolled into one will take some getting used to but if I don't I will put myself in an early grave, and my son is too cool to miss out on any part.
I'm also angry that I only put worth on what I do for other people and how they percive that, I am ashamed of my horrible body image and can't help that I can only try to change it. If I don't I will lose my husband my home maybe my child and it is almost definate that my sanity will be gone. so the as ahrd as it is going to be, I have got to try. So if you see me trying to teach sign language to a dog or actually feed and clothe the poor and hungry, could you just remind me that all the problems I have can't be solved by trying to fix all the other problems of the world.
Thanks ta ta for now.
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